|
Eğlence 20.02.2003 - netyorum.com / Sayı: 122
"Büyük Adam"
Üç savaş gazisi lokalde oturmuş sohbet ediyorlarmış.
Birincisi: "Benim büyük büyükbabam, 120 sene önceki savaşta öncü
kuvvetlerdeymiş. Onunla gurur duyuyorum. Onun izinden gittim."
İkincisi, küçümser bir bakışla, "Benim ki 150 sene önceki savaşta madalya
almış".
Üçüncüsü, biraz çekinerek: "Maalesef ailede tek asker benim. Ama benim büyük
büyükbabam yaşasaydı dünyanın en meşhur adamı olacaktı".
Arkadaşları büyük bir merakla; "Nasıl yani?"
- Çok önemli değil canım. 165 yaşında olacaktı.
"İddia"
İnşaat sahasındaki güçlü genç bir adam, herkesi yenebileceğini söyleyip
böbürleniyordu. Yaşlı işçilerden biriyle durmadan dalga geçiyordu. İhtiyarın
canına tak etti ve
"Pekala, seninle haftalık maaşıma iddiaya giriyorum. Şu karşıdaki ek binaya
el arabasıyla öyle bir şey götureceğim ki, sen onu el arabasıyla geri
getiremeyeceksin. Var mısın?" dedi.
"Tamam ihtiyar" dedi, yükseklerde gezen genç, "Bakalım ne yapacaksın?"
Yaşlı adam biraz sonra el arabasını getirdi ve eliyle işaret ederek "Tamam, hadi
bin arabaya..."
"Zavallı Anne"
Minik oğlanın ailesi yeni, büyük bir ev aldıktan sonra taşınmış. Aile
yerleştikten sonra akrabalar ziyaret etmeye başlamışlar. Yaşlıca akrabalardan
birisi minik oğlanuı karşısına alıp, konuşma istemiş ve yeni evi beğenip
beğenmediğini sormuş.
- Çok güzel, ben beğendim. Bana bir oda verdiler. Ablamın da ayrı odası var.
Ancak annem için üzülüyorum. Zavallı kadın halâ babamla aynı odada kalıyor.
"Yeniden Yapılanma"
Çok sağlıklı göründüğü halde hasta olduğunu söyleyen adam paldır küldür
muayenehane kapısından içeri girmiş ve acil olarak doktorla görüşmek istemiş.
Randevusu olmamasına rağmen bakmışlar adam çok telaşlı, doktorun yanına
almışlar. Adam başlamış konuşmaya:
- Doktor, acil olarak kalp nakli, böbrek nakli, göz nakli, karaciğer na..."
derken, doktor sözünü kesmiş.
- Bir dakika, bir dakika. Yavaş yavaş gidelim. Bu kadar sağlıklı
görünüyorken, bütün bu organlarınızın değişmesini niçin istiyorsunuz?
- Haklısınız ancak patronum eğer şirketteki işime devam etmek istiyorsam
kendimi yenilemem gerektiğini söyledi.
"English - The Language of the Verbally Insane"
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is neither egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb
through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does
a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for
the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise
guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot
and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold
as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met
a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE
spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by
going on.
People, not computers, invented English and it reflects the creativity of the
human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars
are out, they are visible. However, when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end
it?
Not yet convinced? Read these then.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
|